Choosing Hope
I was 5 years old. My dad worked nights. Snuggled under my blanket, I forced myself to stay awake and listen. I heard her get up. I let a few minutes pass and then I crept out of bed, light on my feet and made my way down the hallway, sticking close to the wall where the floor wouldn’t creak.
I went down the stairs, carefully, knowing again just where to step and which steps to skip over so as not to make my presence known. I snuck quietly through the house until my mom was in sight. She was in the pantry. I watched closely from the shadows, holding my breath, hoping and praying she would not take a handful of pills.
My mom survived. Others did not. As a teenager, suicide stole my best friend from me, and as an adult, it took away my favorite aunt.
My first attempt came when I was 16 and my parents divorced. My dad left, my mom returned to drinking, and my world fell apart. Feeling lost and abandoned, I took my own handful of pills at school and ended up in the hospital and then in counseling. My counselor kept telling me that I was stronger than I thought, and she gave me a glimpse of hope when I had none of my own.
Whenever thoughts of suicide would creep in, I would hear her words over and over — “You’re stronger than you think.” I didn’t feel strong, but I trusted her, and I would hold onto that until the feelings passed. At one very low point in my life, when those dark feelings came in once again, I thought ‘I am either going to end it and die or I’m going to take control and survive, but I just can’t keep going through this.’ I decided I wanted to live. I began devouring personal development books and learned I could change my thoughts, and choose to change the course of my life.
It was not an easy road, but I chose to have hope and kept moving forward. Today I’m a much happier person with a new outlook on life and I don’t think about suicide anymore. No matter what problems and obstacles life throws my way, I choose to work through them, to live, and have hope.
Words helped me change my life.
Therefore, I want to use my words to give a glimmer of hope to those who have little, none, or are in need of more. In a dark room, you don’t see the door leading out. In the darkness of depression, you don’t see the way out. But it’s there. I want to encourage those who find themselves in despair to hang on until they can find their way out, or until someone opens the door, or window, enough for them to see that glimpse of hope, so that like me, they too can choose to survive, have hope, and find happiness.
